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karen. kaks. 19 years old. only child. filipina. san jose. bay area. graduate of silver creek HS c/o 2003. loves sleep and food. easily annoyed. lazy. goof. weird. student at deanza college. guitar.
PICTURES Aug 01 . Sept 01 . Oct 01 . Nov 01 Aug 01 . Sept 01 . Oct 01 . Nov 01 Dec 01 . Jan 02 . Feb 02 . Mar 02 Apr 02 . May 02 . June 02 . July 02 Aug 02 . Sept 02 . Oct 02 . Nov 02 Dec 02 . Jan 03 . Feb 03 . Mar 03 Apr 03 . May 03 . June 03 . July 03 Aug 03 . Sept 03 . Oct 03 . Nov 03 Dec 03 . Jan 04 . Feb 04 . Mar 04 Apr 04 . May 04 . June 04 . July 04 Aug 04 . Sept 04 . Oct 04 . Nov 04 Dec 04 . Jan 05 . Feb 05 . Mar 05 Apr 05 . May 05 . June05 . July 05 . Aug 05 . Sept 05 . Oct05 . Nov05 . |
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
MAN!!!i barely realized that my birthday is coming up. errr..i don't really feel like doing anything.
i'm bothered. me and jd's friendship is a rollercoaster, just like our relationship. even when we talk and stuff, eventually, we start arguing and i end up in tears. i have no idea what to do. i think it's a bad idea that we still talk. it just rills up my emotions. yeah, at cotillion practice we're partners..and we joke around, but i think that's all that should happen. i think i've said this earlier, but at one point, i'm perfectly fine..and another, i'm distraught. i guess it's just finding out new things or things that i haven't been told that just hurts.
note to self: karen...it's over. move on goddamnit! don't let the those things get to you. you're only hurting yourself. live your life! don't dwell in the past. this is probably one of the hardest times in your life, but suck it up. it's not healthy for you to be like this. eventually..however long it takes, that guy you're meant to be with will sweep you off your feet.
today would be our 1y11m. we're going to watch a movie and eat dinner. it seemed like a good idea at first, but now i'm having doubts....
i miss "us"...i wish this past month never happened and we could erase this all from our memory. but "everything happens for a reason"...
hey guys, i'm sorry about the fact that all i right is about me and jd. there's just so much to write, and so much i want to get out. i don't find anything wrong with this. there's no need to hide from anyone the fact that we're not together or about my feelings about this. it's understandable that i'm going to feel this way, and i need some form of outlet.
ARGHHHHH!!
2:52 PM .
Monday, June 28, 2004
IT'S OFFICIAL..i was really vague about this whole jd and karen thing, but as of wednesday, i was single and still am.
i'm at a point where thinking is that i've been doing lately. maybe being single is the best thing for me right now..maybe i shouldn't be with jd. i know he's gonna be pissed at me when he reads this, because i'm "telling the whole world", but it's my blog..and i don't mind posting it. i'm getting my feelings out, and that's what's more important. me and him are working on it. we've been best friends during the relationship, and of course, i want that friendship till i die. i know me and him will always be close, despite the fact we're not together. we just have that bond. i don't know if we'll ever get back together...all i know is that i had a blast with you jd..you know i care for you deeply..and will always be here for you. i just hope this will bring happiness for both of us. you'll always be my highschool sweetheart and first true relationship/love. i can write so much more, but i've already told you all of this.
love,
karen
12:16 AM .
Friday, June 25, 2004
*SIGH*just when i think i'm doing ok, something happens and i just breakdown.
each different song and lyrics expresses a different emotion i have, although they all are connected. i'm in the mood where i find sappy songs expressing my feelings..
"nobody holds me...nobody knows me...nobody knows me..like my babe"
lyle lovett - "nobody knows me"
"woke up today thinking of you..another night and i made my way through..so many dreams still left in my mind..but it can never come true"
"i press rewind, and remember when...i close my eyes, and i'm with you again..but in the end, i can still feel the pain.."
christina millian - "until i get over you"
"Like a clown, I put on a show. The pain is real even if nobody knows. And i'm crying inside..and nobody knows it but me"
"I carry a smile when i'm broken in two.. and i'm nobody without someeone like you. i'm trembling inside..and nobody knows it but me"
"How blue can i get? You can ask heart. But like a jigsaw puzzle, its been torn all apart. A million words couldn't say just how i feel, a million years from now you know that i'll be loving you still"..
"The nights are lonely and the days are so sad and i just keep thinking about the love that we had...and i'm missing you..and nobody knows it but me"tony rich project - "nobody knows it but me"
"..cause this pain i feel, it won't go away...and today, i'm officially mising you."
tamia - "officially missing you"
yeah..i'm getting all sappy with this. these selected lyrics really express how i feel. it's a hard time for me..especially when all these different factors play in. like you've said: "don't count the days..count the memories" we've shared TONS and TONS of memories together and been together for quite a while. it hurts reminising because i know i can't have it. i seriously don't know how i'm going to get through it.
but when will this river of tears stop falling?
8:28 PM .
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
ON THE ROCKSno, i'm not talking about a drink. i'm talking about me and jd's relationship. it's on the rocks.
i really doesn't look good. this past month has been sketchy for us. real rollercoaster. last night was horrible though. we went over this once, but it happens again. it totally distracted me from studying for finals.
i've been avoiding his calls and don't even want to see him. i really don't know what to do. i've put my heart out and said what i've needed to say. he's heard me. there's nothing much i can do. either he listens to me, or our relationship won't be the same.
i know i'm being very vague about what i'm talking about..and almost everyone will not understand what i'm saying. but i know he's going to read this..so this is mainly an outlet..and for him to see.
i really don't know what's going to happen to us. no idea. i'm giving you space because i want you to come to a decision about what you want with our relationship and how it's going to happen.
it's almost 2 years...will we make it?
8:46 PM .
FINALLY!!!
i'm officially back. new computer...meaning INTERNET!! oh yeah. i'm sooo happy.
6:15 PM .
Saturday, June 19, 2004
CONGRATS CHRISi'm at jd's house right now and just came from chris' graduation.
it was funn. there was a little festival after the grad..with FREE FOOD AND DRINKS! there were churros, corn, tacos, icecream, fruits, etc. the only ones who went were me and yabs, since everyone else couldn't make it.
after, we went to the buffet. it was yummy. chris' older friends were cool and funny. one of them, who was filipino and white, was cuteee. haha. yabs was jockin him. hhaah. auntie was so nice. after, they decided to go to a party and drink up..but i wasn't in the mood, so here i am just chillen at jd's house.
finals are next week...and oh man, summer quarter is the week after. BOO!
i'm taking a bio class this summer, but sadly, alone. I registered the day before justine and them did, so i got the class, and she didn't. but she's taking another class, so we're still gonna carpool. yay.
i wish my boyfriend would...
9:31 PM .
Friday, June 18, 2004
INTERNET COMING SOONmy internet will hopefully be coming back. i'm gonna get a new computer (finally). i'm excited.
we watched DODGEBALL today. good, funny movie.
see you guys monday hopefully.
8:28 PM .
Friday, June 11, 2004
STILL NO INTERNETi still don't have internet. i haven't called tech support yet, because i've been busy/lazy.
jd graduated on wednesday. i'm so proud of him. i shed a tear hear and there. after, we ate at FORTUNE CHINA. it was full of filipinos and other graduates. had fun playing with the little cousins.
jennelle and jay graduated as well. i couldn't make it because i was at jd's.
reagan died. =
cj is staying for the summer. today, we're going to CHUCK E CHEESE. =]
when i'm at home, i can think of so many things to blog. now that i'm at a computer, my mind becomes blank.
adios.
4:07 PM .
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
NO INTERNETright now, i have no internet. i gave jd his laptop back, so i'm internet-less.
ok. jd's graduation is tomorrow. school's almost coming to an end.
9:30 PM .
Sunday, June 06, 2004
1 MORE THING...it's weird how my favorite song is "my december", and how it really goes with how things are going with me and you know who. nudity. cheap bastard. what an accurate gizmo.
11:50 PM .
I JUST HAVE TO BLOG
i'm working on that freakin research paper right now. I was supposed to work on it earlier this weekend, but stuff came up..and it just REALLY distracted me from this.
anyways, things aren't that great. people might give me criticize me for publishing my whole personal life on the net, but hey, i don't really care. at least it's some form of outlet. me and jd aren't good right now. saturday was full of crying, moreso on my part. i was soo hurt on saturday, and still hurting right now. will i ever get over it? i doubt it. we're on a break right now. i just need time to think about stuff, and reevaluate everything. talking to him makes me sad. thinking of him makes me sad. not having what we had before makes me sad. don't worry, i'm not depressed. just very dissapointed.
maybe he'll read this..maybe he'll read it a week later. maybe he'll reply..doubt he will.
i don't know what to do. even before the discovery on saturday, i've spent nights crying...no..just "tear-ing" myself to sleep. Can i do better than him? yes..and he knows it. but do i want to? not really.
this may seem like i'm blowing the situation out of proportion by posing the question will our relationship last, but there are other factors that play into this. i miss the "old" boyfriend. i don't like the person you've become. i miss the way you treated me...when you treated me good. you say all these beautiful stuff to me, but when it comes down to it, i don't feel it.
i need to work on this paper...and cry.
-karen
11:12 PM .
Friday, June 04, 2004
GRRR! NO INTERNET!my internet is acting up right now. i've been internet-less for the past few days. it's been ok, but the only problem is my research paper is due on monday. my internet sources were in my "favorites" folder, and as of now, i have no access to it. i'm at jd's house using his laptop/internet.
i can't save my paper onto a floppy cause my floppy drive doesn't work. it would be useless to save it onto a cd. i can't email it to myself because i can't check it at home. i'm pissed.
it's gonna be a somewhat busy this weekend. i know sunday will be busy..saturday maybe.
the few drawbacks of not having my internet is that i can't read people's blogs or my email.
ok. till then... so long
7:52 PM .